In praise of chard

I have decided that I am not going to spend time growing any vegetables ever again except for chard.  Here's why.

Most vegetables are weak.  Carrots are pitiful.  The big ones grow to about the size of my little toe.  Sugar snap peas deserve nothing but contempt, with their miniscule yield of stunted pods.  Kale wilts if the sun comes out from behind a cloud.  Tomatoes shoot out a multitude of blossoms, which become hopeful little tomatolets, which then proceed to rot on the vine.   Absolutely contemptible.  A bunch of disgusting crybabies.

First they're not getting enough water.  Then they're getting too much water.  Now they're getting too much sun.  Now not enough sun.  You can't win with these horrid little primadonnas. 

But not chard.  No, chard is different.  Chard is like that one good guy you have at your job who actually does his work and makes your life easier instead of harder.  Chard is the little engine who could.  Chard dares you — no, double-dog dares you — to not water it for two days.  It'll wilt, sure.  It might even burn to the point where you think all is lost.  But it isn't!  The chard returns, bigger and juicier and more deliciouser when sauteed with olive oil and garlic than ever.

And guess what happens to chard during the winter?  Nothing.  If you keep watering it, it'll soldier on through the freeze and the thaw* and in the spring it'll be the first thing you harvest.  Chard more tenacious than most weeds.  It's a miracle plant!

* In my town chard will live through the winter.  I've seen it.  Don't cry to me about how it won't live through the winter in your area.  You sound like a damn kale.