My list of demands

They tell me I need to update this blog more often. Once every six months isn't often enough, I guess.

Friends, I'd like to be a better blogger. It breaks my heart to think of you clicking on the little Metaquerque link in your bookmarks, only to be greeted by months-old bloggery. The look I imagine on your face - the look of disappointment, of anger even - it just breaks my heart. However, I cannot do it alone. There's got to be a little give and take between us, not just this one-sided thing where I type stuff and you read it. To that end, here are my list of demands:

• If you see me on the street and I look confused or disoriented, you must not throw things at me, shout obscenities at me or kick me. In fact, do not attack me under any circumstances.
• Should you see me entering, exiting or lingering in the doorway of any of our fair city's erotic dancing establishments between the hours of 2 and 4 pm, you must keep it to yourself. If you see me during any other time of the day, you can blab all you want.
• If you don't like the hat I'm wearing, you will remain silent on the subject until I am far out of earshot. Also you will not post commentary about my choice of headgear on your Web site.
• Everyone, including my wife and my parents, must refer to me as "THE WOOD." (Note: All caps mandatory, whether spoken or written.)*
• You will promise to turn down your car stereo when driving by my house.
• If I'm singing "Mony Mony" at the karaoke bar and you've come up to dance around, when I hold out the microphone to you during the call-and-response parts of the song, that is your cue to sing. If you don't want to sing the "Yeahs," stay in your seat and don't get in the way of my Billy Idol routine.
• If you are my wife, you will promise not to have any more cancer.

There you have it. That's not so bad, is it? As soon as I get an affidavit from every reader of this blog, swearing that they will comply, I will promise to update this blog more often.

* Ha ha ha! Just kidding! No one has to call me "THE WOOD." That would be silly.