Muckraker!

Greg Payne's column is missing from this week's Alibi! What happened? Maybe it says why somewhere in the incredibly-hard-to-find print edition? "Payne's World" was probably the best thing the Alibi had going for it. Hate to see it go.

Instead, there's something called "Muckraker," written by Alibi music editor Michael "Fuck You Corky" Henningsen. And what's this? It's satire! And it's about Heather Wilson!

Well, it's really more about Richard Romero and Heather Wilson:

According to the recent spate of Wilson for Congress ads, over the past four years, Richard Romero has voted 16,162 times to allow New Mexico's children to take guns and other weapons to school. And not for their own protection, mind you, but to mow down bullies, teachers and other staff they don't like. According to the Wilson ads, Romero thinks that children are better able to grapple with real-life, adult issues once they've felt the recoil of an assault rifle pound their little shoulder a few hundred times in a crowded cafeteria or library.

Funny. It would be funnier if it said somewhere that Wilson is an alien or a robot or something, but to each his own.

If "Muckraker" is going to be a regular satire column in the Alibi, I'd like to offer a small piece of advice, for whatever it's worth, to the Alibi: It's important to have a funny headline. The headline "Wilson Turns up Heat as Race Tightens" isn't funny or even very interesting (although the graphic of Wilson breathing fire on Romero is pretty good). The headline just doesn't grab the reader's attention!

Consider the following sample headline:

Guy on Internet thinks he knows everything

See? When I read this, I immediately want to know more. Which guy on the Internet? What does he think he knows so much about? Plus it's funny. Because it's true.