Guest Editorial: Dick Knipfing

Hello readers, Dick Knipfing here.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm the silver-haired patriarch of the KRQE newsroom, in Albuquerque, New Mexico. That's right. That's me. You can call me Mr. Knipfing. But please don't call me "Dick Sniffing." I don't like that nickname. It's entirely undeserved and, I might add, unsubstantiated. I have never, I repeat, never sniffed a dick.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to you today about (what else?) the news.

There are those among you who take umbrage at the way I and others like me report the news. Specifically, the violent, sensationalistic news we report.

For instance, here's a very recent "Big Local Story" headline: Sleepover Party Turns Into Suspected Night Of Terror. While some of you might think that there are more important news items out there to report on, such as the radioactive landfill just a few miles out of town which could, as we speak, be leaching radioactive or toxic materials into the life-giving aquifer that is currently Albuquerque's sole source of water, I would argue that the imminent and increasing threat of child molesters and other sex offenders is more important to my viewers and therefore more important to me. Or is it the other way around?

Anyway, can't you criminal-loving liberals see what's going on? CHILD MOLESTERS ARE EVERYWHERE! Why, I'll wager that there are at least three child molesters in the building with me right now, and as soon as I find out who they are I'm going to report the hell out of it. I repeat: CHILD MOLESTERS ARE EVERYWHERE.

But if there's one group that I dislike more than child molesters, it's children. Or, as I like to call them, superpredators. Haven't you noticed them? They ride skateboards and smoke dope and they have strange and frightening haircuts. They have tattoos, for god's sake, and weird piercings. They play loud "rap" music and "party" into the night. Most of them have guns and most of them are in gangs. There's probably a child waiting outside your comfortable, suburban garden gate right now—WAITING TO STAB YOU.

Child molesters are everywhere. Good Night.