Chavez cracks down on sex offenders, litterers, all

Although his tough new sex offender ordinance was struck down earlier this month, Albuquerque Mayor Martin Chavez has vowed to "fight on" in the battle to rid the Duke City of sex offenders.

"I'm disappointed by the ruling, but I liked what the judge said about the ordinance turning Albuquerque into an 'Orwellian world,'" Chavez told reporters. "Orwell was a really good writer. We need more writers like him."

Chavez, undeterred by the recent setback, has released a barrage of new ordinances that target other lawbreakers.

"The idea is to show that we're not just picking on sex offenders," Chavez explained. "We're picking on everybody equally. Studies show that everyone will break the law sometime. Not 'might,' but 'will.'"

The new ordinances are aimed at the crimes of littering, playing car stereos too loudly, smoking, and assembling.

The new ordinances carry stiff penalties for the criminals who break city laws.

The littering ordinance, also known as the "Toss No Mas, Motherf*cker" law, will require wrapper-tossing criminals to do up to one thousand hours of what the mayor called "good old fashioned rock-breaking," most likely to be performed in the vicinity of the proposed Paseo del Norte extension.

Breaking the anti-smoking rules in Albuquerque will require filthy-habited criminals to learn industrial concrete pouring and curing techniques and perform up to one thousand hours of community service using their new skills, also near the proposed superhighway. "Let it not be said that I do not believe in rehabilitation," commented Chavez.

The new anti-assembly ordinance will discourage protester-criminals from congregating and blocking streets. "We're going way back with this one," said Chavez, "Way back to our Spanish roots, our raices if you will. I don't want to give too much away because it'll spoil the surprise. Let me just say that our inspiration came from how decent, valiant and honorable men like Juan de Oñate dealt with malcontents and troublemakers."

When asked about the "boom car" ordinance, Chavez waved his hand dismissively and replied that it "probably wouldn't be enforced" and that it was "just something to keep cops busy when they're not doing anything else."

All crimes require that the criminal wear an orange vest for a proscribed period that reads "I BROKE THE LAW. ASK ME HOW."